Call me Russ L

Going to Manchester to see UFC 70: A story told in fragments of conversation (some spoken by me, some spoken by others, and probably some completely imagined)

Posted in Combat Sports, Modern Living by Russ L on 24 April, 2007

(This is just me being a silly-arse, but it was amusing to write. There’s lots of punditry about the actual fightcard all over the internet if you want to read it. This one is quite fun).

“‘Ow do.”
“You stupid man.”
“We haven’t even got out of Moor Street station and you’ve already got lost once. You stupid man.”
“She looked amused, although I suppose the colour of that shirt will inevitably attract children. And, possibly, insects.”
“Two saver returns to Manchester please.”
“Let’s get some cans, then.”
“She was giving that fiver some scrutiny.”
“I felt like shouting ‘IT’S SCOTTISH!'”
“Stoke station. That takes me back a bit.”
“I always thought Macclesfield was further North than Manchester.”
“Stockport Pension Centre is terrible.”
“Right, we need to get from Picadilly to Victoria. Have they not got one of those timetable board things?”
“I think it might be this Metrolink thing.”
“It’s a tram!”
“Like our own Metro, then?”
“Ah right, Ted.”
“Look, do you want take this map off me and be in charge? No? Well shut up then.”
“I don’t know if it’s Manchester or the weather, but there are gorgeous women everywhere.”
“Everywhere!”
Everywhere!
“Travelodge found without getting lost. Hithangyew.”
“Jesus Christ. Let’s find a pub and wait for this queue to reduce a bit.”
“Over there. On the corner. Where the pub sign is. Buildings with pub signs on the side often turn out to be pubs, you know.”
“‘The Black Lion.’ I bet says ‘…In Zion’ on the back.”
“This looks like A Local Pub For Local People.”
“Don’t be a wooftah.”
“You see? Just the usual clientele of hardknocks and old buggers.”
“This queue has moved about six foot in the half hour we were gone.”
“Halle-bloody-lujah.”
“I say we find a pub that does food.”
Everywhere!
“They’re all this busy. Let’s have a couple in that sportsbar and if no ideas suggest themselves we can go to that baguette shop.”
Everywhere!
“Sorry mate.”
“You had to pick the biggest bloke in the room to burn with your fag, didn’t you?”
“I swear, if he’d taken exception I’d be quietly sidling away from you now.”
“Look at the size of his mate!”
“That could’ve gone badly.”
“Let’s patronise that baguette shop, then.”
[Geordie accent]”If they even attempt to put any kinda lettuce on that I’m gunna go mad.”[/Geordie accent]
“This is actually really nice.”
“Quick one in the Lloyds Bar, then.”
“Drink up, it’s about time to go.”
“Ten past six and it was meant to start at quarter past. Good timing.”
“Oh wow Bruce Buffer.”
“Hang on, Liaudin vs Siver was meant to be the second fight.”
“Oh bugger. We’ve missed Paul Taylor. The first West Midlander in the UFC and we missed it!”
“He’s got the arm, he’s got the arm… beautiful. That was beautiful.”
“In the sweepstake I’ve picked Sakara by strikes in the first round, but I’m beginning to regret that now.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t regret it! Oh… Wait… I thought he’d stopped it. Hold on… Now he’s stopped it.”
“I’ve picked Assuncao in the sweepstake but obviously it’d be nice if Lee won.”
“Teeeerrrrrry! Teeeerrrrrrrrrry!”
[Crap attempt at a scouse accent]”Nice one, la.”[/Crap attempt at a scouse accent]
“Umbongo umbongo dey drink it in de Kongo.”
“Did he just say the last judge scored it 28-28? How did he manage that?”
“There’s a staring competition going on up there. Take that pint up for me, I’ll see you back inside.”
“Alright, brace yourself for this…”
“WHOO-HOO!”
“BIS-PING! BIS-PING! BIS-PING!”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t come out for the second round.”
“BIS-PING! BIS-PING! BIS-PING!”
“This looks bad. No, no, no, not like this, not like this…”
“YEEEEEEESSSS! WHOOOOOI! BLUH! BLUH! BLUH!”
“So much fun.”
“This one has potential to be fight of the night.”
“Do something, then.”
“This is not fight of the night.”
“Mirko! Mirko! Mirko!”
“This is unlike him, I’ve seen him a lot more active from his back than this before.”
“…”
“Shit!”
“…”
“Oh my life.”
[Welsh accent]”Your life? I think Cro-Cop just saw his life flash before his eyes.”[/Welsh accent]
“Did I actually just see that happen? Am I hallucinating?”
“Where are you? I have winnings to collect.”
“Ah, the spoils of the sweepstake. I suppose the first round is on me. Where are we going?”
“We’ve been walking so far, I think we’re in Stockport.”
“We’ve been walking so far, I think we’re in Stoke.”
“Tom, do you actually know where you’re going?”
“We’ve been walking so far, I think we’re back in the West Midlands.”
“Halle-bloody-lujah.”
[Nasal whiny student accent]”Was there much blood at the ultimate fighting?”[/Nasal whiny student accent]
“I’m not sure this was worth the walk. Still, Budvar on tap.”
“You stupid man.”
“Bye everybody.”
“They’re still serving in there. Couple more?”
“To the Travelodge on Blackfriars Street please mate.”
“Don’t get too comfortable. We need some sort of kebab-y, chicken-y, burger-y thing.”
“Be honest now, did I actually see Gonzaga K.O. Cro-Cop with a high kick? I wasn’t hallucinating?”
“Chip shop, straight ahead.”
[Extremely posh accent]”That’s the Northern way.”[/Extremely posh accent]
“Whereabouts are you from, then?”
“I was not chatting her up. Does that sound like something I’d do?”
“Zzzzzz.”

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4 Responses

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  1. throughsilver said, on 24 April, 2007 at 7:55 pm

    Women in Manchester do tend to be oddly fine, yeah. I’ve been meaning to move back there actually.

  2. Chris C said, on 6 May, 2007 at 3:31 pm

    Russ L in Manchester!

    well I’ll be damned.

  3. gary said, on 22 September, 2007 at 12:18 am

    bisping lost that fight with matt the only round that he could have been close was 3rd round because matt looked tired thats why bisping was able to avoid being taken down only when matt was tired matt destroyed him 1st round bisping you should not count that as a win you no you lost the judged had to be on your side bisping everyone agrees with what im saying just wait until your next fight boooooooooooo boooooooo you fake

  4. Russ L said, on 22 September, 2007 at 7:00 am

    Wrong post, boss. This one was about UFC70 in Manchester. UFC75 in London (where Bisping fought Hamill) is here.


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