Oh. (Russ L going to and fro in the Earth)

Right then my gas firin’ never tirin’ steam punkin’ pop junkin’ ballin’ brawlin’ shot-callin’ little chickadees: we may have had a month off in May (chiefly because I couldn’t, ‘ow you Eeenglish say, be arsed), but here’s your LOTTSADITWM for June.

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. This is just a list of things I found that looked like they might be interesting, so please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Thursday the 29th of May till Saturday the 21st – “Our House” (Birmingham Rep Theatre Company) @ The Rep, Birmingham - The musical set to Madness songs. Always thought that was a fun idea.

Saturday the 31st of May till Monday the 30th of June – BASS Festival @ all over the Midlands - That’s right folks, Birmingham’s annual ‘Ten Different Things Calling Themselves Festivals At Any Given Time’ season is in full swing (although this one is Midlands-wide so perhaps it’s not the best example of that particular mania). There’s tons of urban music/culture related stuff a-happening, mostly in Birmingham, Leicester and Nottingham. Their events diary can be seen here.

Saturday the 31st of May till Sunday the 8th - Climate Change Festival @ Various places in Birmingham and Walsall - Surely it’s nothing to celebrate? Or maybe they’re against it. Claystation sounds like fun.

Monday the 2nd and Tuesday the 3rd – ‘Shadow Play’ (Travelling Light) @ The Warwick Arts Centre, University Of Warwick, Coventry - Theatre, dance and Mime thingy that is apparently “inspired by the way that children use ‘play’ to investigate the world around them”.

Tuesday the 3rd – Schostakovich’s 3rd (Philharmonia Orchestra) @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - Dmitri’s sly “A Soviet Artist’s Reply To Just Criticism”, conducted here by Gustavo Dudamel (who has apparently received the highest possible praise from no less than Simon Rattle).

Wednesday the 4th – Flogging Molly @ The Academy, Birmingham - With an Oi Oi Oi and a Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Li. Great live band.

Thursday the 5th till Sunday the 8th – “Everyone Loves Elmer!” (Birmingham Stage Company) @ The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton - I do, certainly. Always thought the lil’ patchwork pachyderm was too cute for words.

Thursday the 5th till Saturday the 20th – New Generation Arts Festival @ various fighters in Birmingham - A festival, eh? Whodathunkit. The stated categories for this one are visual arts, music, design, animation & film, creative writing, and ‘online interactive’. Have a little look at the list of events.

Thursday the 5th to Friday the 20th of June- Emergent Game @ all across Birmingham - Part of the above NGA festival, this… erm… no, I’m not going to pretend I have the first idea of what in the world this is all about. I think I quite like it, nevertheless. Just click the link.

Thursday the 5th to Saturday the 7th – Integra 2008 festival @ Sundry Birmingham venues - Part of the NGA, making this a festival within a festival. How very Birmingham. ‘Fusing music and technology’ is the tagline, and amongst other things it includes BEAST, and Capsule putting on The Bays with The BIT20 ensemble.

Friday the 6th – Mary J. Blige @ The NEC, Marston Green, Birmingham - Drama: no more of it.

Saturday the 7th – The Autumn Store @ The Sunflower Lounge, Birmingham - Birmingham’s main indiepop night is back, with Pete Green, Lime Chalks, and Little My.

Saturday the 8th – ISKA supershow (kickboxing) @ The Que Club, Birmingham - Promoted by Kash ‘The Flash’ Gill (a legend round these parts). I’m assuming it’s FC style kickboxing. Public information always seems scarce about this sort of thing.

Monday the 9th – Moha! @ The Rainbow, Digbeth, Birmingham - Usual annoying exclamation mark aside, this band sound pretty cool. Motorik jazz-industrial, if you will. Or something. Also: they have an album called “Norwegianism”.

Wednesday the 11th – Sex Pistols @ The Academy, Birmingham - Old, old men. But… erm… well, that’s it really. I still don’t know why I went and bought a ticket for this.

Wednesday the 11th and Thursday the 12th – “Farewell, But Not Goodbye” (CBSO) @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - Sakari Oramo’s last fling as music director/chief conductor of the CBSO. Aaaaaw, I always loved the lil’ hyperactive fella. Beethoven’s 9th, anyway.

Thursday the 12th – The Destroyers @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - The Greatest Band In The World Ever Ever Ever (it’s official, you know) playing a new collaboration (‘1001 Nights’) with The Dholblasters and Sanchita Pal.

Friday the 13th – Sunburned Hand Of Man @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Psychedelic/weirdness collective. ‘Tis Capsule.

Saturday the 14th – ‘Cinderella Ashputtel” (Banyan Theatre) @ The Warwick Arts Centre, University of Warwick, Coventry - A puppet-theatre reworking of ‘Cinderella’. The actual figures themselves look gorgeous.

Monday the 16th – Norman Lovett & Hattie Hayridge @ The Little Civic, Wolverhampton - Stand-up comedy from the two people who played Holly in Red Dwarf, which is as sensible a manner of putting a tour together as any I suppose. It also provides a nice bit of continuity for the next entry…

Monday the 16th – Holly GoLightly @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Former Billy Childish cohort and Headcoatees member. Does that make her a Headcoatee-ee? It is a Curate’s Egg gig (flyer), but I’ve been told that the fact that it’s on a Monday means it should actually finish at a righteous time.

Monday the 16th – Origin / Impaled @ The Flapper & Firkin, Birmingham - Birmingham’s main extreme metal promoting sorts Reanimator forgo their usual haunt The Bristol Pear to bring you a night of death metal in the city centre (flyer).

Wednesday the 18th – Alanis Morissette @ The Academy, Birmingham - Hur hur hur that song she did about the irony mentioned things that weren’t ironic hur hur hur stock tropes from crap mid-90s comedians hur hur hur…

Thursday the 19th – “Moths Ate My Dr Who Scarf” (Toby Hadoke) @ The Library Theatre, Bloxwich- A David Benson-esque (by the sounds of it) one-man show, about The ‘Oo and the place The ‘Oo has had in the life of one Toby Hadoke.

Friday the 20th – “They Get Free Mobiles… Don’t They?” (Banner Theatre) @ The Belgrade Theatre, Coventry - Multimedia thingy, looking at the facts and myths about refugees.

Friday the 20th – Wayne Elcock vs Darren McDermott (Boxing; Hennessy Sports) @ The Skydome, Coventry - The one we’ve all been waiting for, rescheduled from April. A proper Black Country vs Birmingham derby, and for the British middleweight title too. (EDIT: And no, you’re not going mad - it was originally at the Aston Events Centre. Now it ain’t). It’s just a shame that it’s the same night as…

Friday the 20th –Boxing (First Team promotions) @ Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - …Another boxing card, with a bunch of your local faves. Then, on top of these, on the following day also you have…

Saturday the 21st – Boxing (Sports Network) @ The NIA, Birmingham - …Amir Khan’s latest mismatch, and an undercard including Marcus Portman, Richie Collins, Don Broadhurst, Steve Bendall, and the very highly-regarded Thomas Costello.

Saturday the 21st – Jimmy Cliff @ The Aston Events Centre, Aston, Birmingham - Genuine legend. Although he’ll have many canals to cross rather than rivers, around here.

Saturday the 21st – “Score 12 – Cast” (Bill Drummond/The17) @ I think you get to pick where in Birmingham - A Bill Drummond doin’ is transpirin’. It is connected with manhole covers.

Sunday the 22nd – Melt Banana @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Japanese grindo-fun lovelies. ‘Tis Capsule again.

Monday the 23rd – “Paul Merton’s Impro Chums” @ The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton - Improvised comedy from Paul Merton and, presumably, some of his chums. Is this the type of thing where they ask the audience to shout out a profession and they act it out in song?

Tuesday the 24th - Thea Gilmore @ The Glee Club, Birmingham - She got a bit confused between Wolverhampton and Bilston last time she was around here, bless ‘er, but her songs are fab.

Thursday the 26th – “My Bum Is Genetic, Deal With It” (Village Gossip Productions) @ The Drum, Newtown, Birmingham - Presented in affiliation with the BASS Festival mentioned above. A comic monologue/spoken word type of thing in which a South African woman attempts to figure out her image of beauty.

Saturday the 28th - The Public opening doings @ The Public, West Bromwich - Well, it’s meant to finally be opening. There’s nothing on the thing’s own website. Given its history, I think we can be excused any and all cynicism. If they do manage to get the doors open then I imagine there’ll be some sort of festivities, or maybe the budget for them will run out.

Saturday the 28th – British Pipe Band Championships @ Cannon Hill Park, Edgbaston, Birmingham - Over 100 pipe bands will compete in this heroic struggle. Who, I ask you who, will prevail?

Sunday the 29th – MMA (UK Cage Fighting Championships) @ The Skydome, Coventry - Good stuff, I have happy memories of seeing MMA at The Skydome.

Sunday the 29th – Muay Thai (K-Star) @ The Tower Ballroom, Edgbaston, Birmingham - Fists, elbow, knees and shins a-flying near the reservoir.

This month is clearly all about fighting, and orchestral & choral music. Maybe all at the same time.

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. This is just a list of things I found that looked like they might be interesting, so please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Saturday the 29th of March till Sunday the 6th of April – ‘Dance Steps’ (Stan’s Café) @ The MAC, Edgbaston, Birmingham - You, yes that’s you, can perform this play by means of choosing and following different sets of instructions and directions scattered around the MAC. From the people that brought you the (I’ll say it yet again) magnificent The Cleansing Of Constance Brown.

Tuesday the 1st – Beethoven’s 5th (CBSO) @ Symphony Hall, The ICC, Birmingham - Dur-dur-dur DUUUURRRRR! Dur-dur-dur DUUUURRRRR!

Wednesday the 2nd and Wednesday the 9th – ‘Midland Journey: Archive Film Of Wolverhampton And The Black Country’ @ The Light House, Wolverhampton - Showing various films of how it was in The Good Old Days. It promises chainmaking and groaty pudding.

Thursday the 3rd until Saturday the 5th – ‘Days Of Hope’ (MAC Productions) @ The MAC, Edgbaston, Birmingham - A Howard Goodall musical translating the events in The Balkans in the late 80s into a Spanish civil war setting. It’s had some very good reviews.

Thursday the 3rd till Sunday the 6th – British Open Show Jumping Championships @ The NEC, Marston Green, Birmingham - Neigh, neigh and thrice neigh.

Friday the 4th till Sunday the 6th – MAC closing weekend @ The MAC, Edgbaston, Birmingham - The final hurrah of the Midland Arts Centre before it closes until Autumn 2009 to be refurbished and rebuilt. As well as the abovementioned ‘Dance Steps’ and ‘Days Of Hope’, Friday is the storytelling day for families, then there are a couple of days of puppetry events and the grand finale of the MAC On Screen film showing.

Saturday the 5th – Handel’s ‘Messiah’ (Ex Cathedra/Orchestra Of The Age Of Enlightenment) @ Symphony Hall, The ICC, Birmingham - Oh hey they’re playing my song.

Saturday the 5th and various dates up until till Saturday the 19th – ‘Top Girls’ (Crescent Theatre Presents) @ The Crescent Theatre, Birmingham - The excellent Caryl Churchill play. The people putting it all together have set up a blog. This is a very good thing. They’ve neglected to put the dates and times and so forth on it, but still. Baby steps.

Tuesday the 8th – John Barrowman @ Symphony Hall, The ICC, Birmingham - Captain Jack sings.

Friday the 11th – ‘The Masque Of Red Death’ (The Happiness Patrol theatre company) @ The Old Joint Stock Theatre, Birmingham - Poe. And I ain’t talking about La-La’s mate.

Saturday the 12th – AMMA @ The Holte Suite, Aston Villa Football Club, Aston, Birmingham - Amateur and B-class pro MMA, and they’re always good shows. This version of the card is fairly up-to-date, I believe.

Sunday the 13th – Portishead @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - Of course it’s already sold out, you silly moo.

Sunday the 13th – Pugilist Promotions’ “Old School/New Blood” (Boxing) @ The Tower Ballroom, Edgbaston, Birmingham - Fighting sports return to the reservoir-side venue for the first time in aaages. You have amateurs early in the afternoon, then (after a break) professionals in the evening.

Monday the 14th – ‘The Terrible Tudors/The Vile Victorians’ (Horrible Histories) @ The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton - For kiddies, though, so I doubt it will stoop to the genuine horrible and vile depths.

Monday the 14th – Mil Millington @ Hall Green Library, Hall Green, Birmingham - Go here (and laugh fulsomely) if you don’t know who Mil Millington is. This reading thingy is only for ages 16-25, though.

Wednesday the 16th – Merzbow and The Dirty Noise Ensemble @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Noizez. Not, I would suggest, for the faint of heart or the delicate of eardrum.

Thursday the 17th – Lethal Bizzle @ The Academy, Birmingham - If you’re going to this, don’t take any beef with you. You’ll risk losing some teef. And you don’t want that.

Saturday the 19th – The Presidents Of The USA – The Academy, Birmingham - This is one of those instances where I used to adore this band, but (without ever at any point consciously going off them) they’ve declined in importance to me to the point where I’m not really all that fussed. Still: “Peaches come from a can/They were put there by a man”. I can’t argue with that.

Saturday the 19th – Thai Boxing (Firewalker) @ The Light Bar, Wolverhampton - I have no details at all, but if you want to see some Muay Thai then this may be the place to go.

Sunday the 20th – ‘As Seen On TV’ (Notorious Choir) @ The Electric Cinema, Birmingham - ‘The choir with a difference’ a-singing television themes.

Sunday the 20th – Mahler’s 2nd (Birmingham Philharmonic/City Of Birmingham Choir) @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Surely the greatest symphony to hear live. (And if you like a bit of Gustav, there’s also his Fifth at Symphony Hall on the 22nd).

Tuesday the 22nd – Gogol Bordello @ The Academy, Birmingham - Take up thy caravan and travel.

Tuesday the 22nd – Boris @ The Medicine bar, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - This gig in collaboration with one Michio Kurihara, which may well mean more to you than it does to me.

Thursday the 24th and Friday the 25th – “Packers” (Zip Theatre) @ The Old Joint Stock Theatre, Birmingham - A comedy set in The Land Of The Righteous (The Black Country, to the likes of you). Apparently “a story of pain, pathos, severed digits, mad boyfriends, hypochondriacs, attempted murder, sex and parcel-tape.” Also at Newhampton Arts Centre in Wolves on the 18th and 19th.

Thursday the 24th and Friday the 25th – ‘Blue Planet’ (Manchester Camerata) @ Symphony Hall, The ICC, Birmingham - A documentary from off of the telly about fishies and such (remember: keep friends close, anemones closer), with the Manchester Camerata a-playing a score specifically composed by George Fenton.

Friday the 25th – Wayne Elcock vs Darren McDermott for the British middleweight title (Hennessy Sports) @ The Aston Villa Leisure Centre, Aston, Birmingham - Birmingham vs Black Country, and it’s the big one – the British title. Come On Macca! (Although: guh! at the ticket prices. Almost glad I won’t be going, with that sort of piss-taking).

Friday the 25th – Bjork @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - Well it’s Bjork. Obviously.

Friday the 25th to Sunday the 27th – English Originals @ The Town Hall & Symphony Hall, Birmingham - An English folk festival, just after St George’s Day. This really does look fantastic: the main gigs are Billy Bragg at The Town Hall on the Friday, Tunng and Seth Lakeman at The Town Hall on Saturday, and The Daughters Of Albion (Kathryn Williams, Norma Waterson, and others) at Symphony hall on he Sunday. You’ve also got free sets (Rush Hour Blues stylee) from The Old Dance School (Friday) and Little Sister (Sunday) at the Symphony Hall foyer in the ICC, and a free showing (if you have a ticket for any of the gigs) of the Folk Britannia documentary at 2pm in The Town Hall on Sunday.

Monday the 28th until Sunday the 25th of May – International Dance Festival @ all over Birmingham - Loads and loads and loads of dance and dance-related events from all over the world are taking place over the course of a month, at various venues in town.

Tuesday the 29th – Alabama 3 @ The Wulfrun Hall, Wolverhampton - Woke up this morning. Obviously. I wouldn’t be typing this otherwise.

Wednesday the 30th – Cursed @ The Medicine Bar, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - Sometimes sludgy and sometimes crusty hardcore, but (and this is the best bit) they’re actually really good unlike most of the bands that most of the people who’ll tell you Cursed are good will tell you are good. Good. Tell. Good.

Wednesday the 30th – Boxing (First Team) @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - The New And Radical Dean Harrison Matchmaking Philosophy continues to bare fruit – he’s fighting Gary Reid here, which is a genuinely risky fight. Good luck to him, ‘cos it’s great to see.

There’s usually another annual event this month, but it’s been cancelled this year.

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. This is just a list of things I found that looked like they might be interesting, so please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Tuesday the 26th of Feb till Saturday the 1st of March – ‘Metamorphosis’ (Vesturport Theatre/Lyric Hammersmith) @ The Rep, Birmingham - Kafka with a score by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis. I can barely express how much I’m looking forward to this.

Friday the 29th of Feb and Saturday the 1st of March – ‘Family Snaps’ double-bill: ‘Tidy’ and ‘Forgive Us Our Trespasses’ (MDCC Theatre Company) @ The MAC, Edgbaston, Birmingham - “Two plays about guilt, forgiveness and love. Two plays about New Labour, model airplanes and Barry Manilow” they say, by local writers Martin Drury and Elizabeth Parkes.

Monday the 3rd - Autechre @ The Medicine Bar, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - Beep beep beep squiggle-scronk vroom vroom blettum blettum vroom vroom blettum blettum.

Thursday the 6th – Capsule @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Finger-lickin’ finger-pickin’ guitar from Jack Rose, psychedelia from Hush Arbors, and post-rock from Cellar Door.

Thursday the 6th to Sunday the 9th – Crufts@ The NEC, Marston Green, Birmingham - Dang hounds.

Thursday the 6th to Tuesday the 12th – International Women’s Week events @ The Arena Theatre, Wolverhampton - It doesn’t mention it on the website, but apparently there’s an exhibition showcasing work done by various women’s (and possibly LBGT) community groups on the 6th and 7th. Sundry of the plays and events around happening this time are attached to IWW (according to the printed programme, Nowhere To Belong on the 6th, In No Particular Order on the 7th, and the “Mixed Bill Of Dance” on the 12th. The website doesn’t seem to attach any of those to it, but does mention that “It’s My Life” on the afternoon of the 7th is part). I hate to be cynical about anything like this, but it doesn’t bode well for a consciousness-raising exercise to prove unable to make basic information about itself clear and accessible.

Saturday the 8th - ‘An Evening Of Russian And British Romance’ @ St Mary’s Church, Selly Oak, Birmingham - Russian and English songs, music, poetry and food. All proceeds go to St Mary’s Hospice.

Saturday the 8th – Last Night Of The Spring Proms @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - With all the usual LNOTP favourites.

Saturday the 8th – ‘Young Storyteller Of The Year’ @ The Library Theatre, Birmingham - Still looking for entrants, apparently.

Saturday the 8th & Sunday the 9th – BEAST @ The CBSO Centre, Birmingham - Birmingham Electro-Acoustic Sound Theatre. 30 channels of speakers with different characteristics are arranged into pairs and placed at chosen points across the room, “to sculpt the spatial and dynamic implications of the music.”

Sunday the 9th – ‘Doomsday’ @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Dooooom metal alldayer, headlined by the awesome Lazarus Blackstar. (EDIT: Or perhaps not - apparently they’re not playing).

Wednesday the 12th – ‘Tangle’ (Unlimited Theatre) @ The Warwick Arts Centre, Coventry - I saw this at The Rep Door just over a year ago and it was fan-flipping-tastic. Entangled particles, entangled lives, pet grooming, and Great Uncle Bulgaria. There’s a Flash intro to the plot here.

Wednesday the 12th till Saturday the 15th – The Cleansing Of Constance Brown (Stan’s Café) @ 38 Floodgate Street, Digbeth, Birmingham - Themes of power, a corridor where it all happens, and limited audience numbers. Tickets via The MAC. (EDIT: Turns out that this is happening at 38 Floodgate Street. See the comments below for more details).

Friday the 14th – Sophie Ellis-Bextor @ The Academy, Birmingham - Here is Throughsilver on the subject of an SEB song that I don’t think I actually know.

Saturday the 15th – Gallhammer @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Sludgy doom metal with strange vocals (a common result of having your bandmembers made up of tiny Japanese girls) and unexpected New-Wave-y bits (possibly also result of same). One of them calls herself Vivian “Depressive” Slaughter. I love that. The surname wasn’t enough, she needed a nickname in the middle too… (EDIT: It appears that they’re supported by The Sontaran Experiment. Between having Paul Catten for vocals and a Dr Who reference for a name, they cannot be anything less than Pure Win).

Saturday the 15th – ‘Road’ (BSS Showbiz Group) @ The Old Joint Stock Theatre, Birmingham - The Jim Cartwright play in which a drunken tour is given of a derelict Lancashire street. It’s won awards, don’tchaknow.

Sunday the 16th – St Patrick’s Day Parade @ Digbeth, Birmingham - They say the Birmingham one is the biggest in the world outside of New York, but (as has been noted elsewhere) that may be another ‘more cut than Venice’ claim. It’ll be huge, anyway. To be sure.

Thursday the 20th – An Evening With Tony Benn @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - What a man.

Friday the 20th - St Matthew’s Passion (Birmingham Bach Choir) @ The Symphony Hall, Birmingham - The Birmingham Bach Choir’s annual Good Friday performance.

Saturday the 22nd – The Detroit Spinners @ The Alexandra Theatre, Birmingham - They’ve been working their way back to you. Babe.

Sunday the 23rd – Enablers @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - This’ll probably (like Thomas Dolby and Pram/MTO/Shady Bard) be another one of those that’ll enable you to wipe out a good chunk of West Mids blogging with one well-placed bomb. (EDIT: Now with added Courteousness).

Monday the 24th – ‘Think No Evil Of Us’ (David Benson) @ The Crescent Theatre, Birmingham - David Benson’s funny and thoughtful one-man show about the lives of Kenneth Williams and himself. I am, however, aghast at the £18 ticket price, given that he performs his shows fairly regularly in various Black Country theatres for much cheaper.

Tuesday the 25th of March – “Basil Of The Caribbean” @ The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton - Basil Brush! BOOM BOOM!

Wednesday the 26th – Free Easter Egg Hunt @ Bilston Craft Gallery, Bilston - Free, and all children taking part get a prize. There’s also egg-decoration and storytelling.

Thursday the 27th – Jean Michel Jarre @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Synth Jarre Jarre Synth.

Thursday the 27th – Efterklang @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Their set in November was one of the best of last year. Amazing, beautiful and most of all indescribable.

Thursday the 27th – Whyte & Mackay Premier League Darts @ The NIA, Birmingham - I’m given to understand that Phil Taylor has been losing a few lately. Is there nothing that can be relied on?

Saturday the 29th – Nightwish @ The Academy, Birmingham - I’m still not entirely convinced what the point of them is without Madam there. Sold out, anyway, so I don’t suppose it matters too much.

Saturday the 29th – Angrrr Management’s ‘Octagon Club’ (MMA) @ The Glades Leisure Centre, Kidderminster - Headlined by Marc Goddard vs Jacob Lovstad, which is a really well-matched fight if you ask me. (EDIT: Or perhaps not - apparently Marc Godard is out with injury).

Monday the 31st – ‘Gulls, Gulls And More Gulls’ (Steve McGinnis of the West Midlands Bird Club) @ Birmingham Medical Institute, Edgbaston, Birmingham - Caw! Caw! Gulls!

Friday the 25th of April sees Bjork playing at Wolverhampton Civic Hall, Billy Bragg playing at Birmingham Town Hall, and McDermott vs Elcock for the British Middleweight title at the Aston Villa Leisure Centre.

I have known date clashes before and annoying ones at that, but nothing of this magnitude.

Ah well. I’ve already long-since had my ticket for Bjork. Come on Braggy and COME OOOOON MACCA nevertheless.

More stuff this month, at least. Still mostly gigs, but there seems to be a decent chunk of theatre too.

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. This is just a list of things I found that looked like they might be interesting, so please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Friday the 1st – “Things That Can’t Be Said” (Re:Volve Theatre) @ The MAC, Edgbaston, Birmingham - A multimedia sort of thing exploring what (supposedly) cannot be said and creating “a visual tapestry of love, life and relationships.” Also at The Arena Theatre in Wolves on Wednesday the 6th.

Saturday the 2nd – Babar Luck @ The Little Civic, Wolverhampton - Completely looney but massively uplifting choons from the ex-King Prawn fella. Gangsta Folk, if you will.

Sunday the 3rd – Municipal Waste @ The Academy 2, Birmingham - Ther-rrraaaassshhh. Possibly the worst venue in which you could ever manage to see The Waste, but still.

Sunday the 3rd – Carmina Burana (CBSO & Choruses) @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - You can go either as a punter, or you can actually become part of the ensemble and sing. I think that’s fantastic.

Sunday the 3rd – It’s Just Noise Halfdayer @ The Rainbow, Digbeth, Birmingham - Starting at 5:30pm and featuring Blakfish, The Arm, Mills & Boon and many other delights.

Friday the 8th – Dropkick Murphys @ The Wulfrun Hall, Wolverhampton - Oi Oi Oirish.

Friday the 8th – KODO @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Here come the drums here come the drums.

Saturday the 9th – The Move @ J.B.’s, Dudley - Or the current touring version of The Move, anyway. Apparently Bev Bevan and Trevor Burton are amongst their number, but Roy Wood isn’t.

Saturday the 9th – Reanimator metal night @ The Bristol Pear, Selly Oak, Birmingham - Birmingham’s main extreme metal put-er on-ers bring you this night, headlined by German thrashsorts Nocturnal.

Saturday The 9th – Authority To Pay Recordings night @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Courtesy o’ Capsule, headlined by Fuck Buttons. It seems strange to get so angry about confectionary.

Monday the 11th – Earth @ The Medicine Bar, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - In the field of drone-rock, it is not cosmologically incorrect to say that the Earth is older than the Sunn O))). Hyuck hyuck hyuck har har har.

Wednesday the 13th – The Twang @ J.B.’s, Dudley - There would have been some sort of trope here based around “Hang the DJ/Twang The J.B.’s”, but I decided I love you all too much to subject you to something quite so feeble.

Tuesday the 19th – Storytelling Café @ Wednesbury Library, Wednesbury - Tell some stories. Also at the Kitchen Garden Café in Kings Heath the following night, and that one will apparently have an Irish theme.

Tuesday the 19th – “Bacchic” (Actors Of Dionysus) @ The Arena Theatre, Wolverhampton - ‘The Bacchae’ with aerial theatre (does that mean trapeze?), specially composed music and ‘inspired’ lighting. Sounds interesting at the very least.

Wednesday the 20th – Dillinger Escape Plan @ The Academy 2, Birmingham - This is the one that was originally due to be on the 5th of November and may or may not have been originally due to also feature Meshuggah (it isn’t now). I suppose, as creators of mad fractured music, it seems apt that their gigs have mad fractured arrangements.

Wednesday the 20th to Saturday the 23rd – “Angel House” (Birmingham Rep Theatre Company) @ The Rep Door, Birmingham - How two brothers lives can take very different paths. Written by the highly respected Roy Williams.

Wednesday the 20th to Saturday the 1st of March – Birmingham School Of Acting: Spring 2008 season @ The Crescent Theatre, Birmingham - Four different plays over a week and a bit. Including “Prince Pippin’s quest to find personal significance.”

Thursday the 21st to Saturday the 23rd – “Waitress For Godot” @ The Old Joint Stock Theatre, Birmingham - The Old Joint Stock’s resident theatre company re-lick the obvious Beckett play from a female perspective, involving two women waiting for Estragon and Vladimir. Intriguing.

Friday the 22nd – Megadeth @ The Academy, Birmingham - The ‘Wow, they’re still going! Who knew?’ option for this month.

Sunday the 24th – ISKA International Thaiboxing @ Wombourne Leisure Centre, Wombourne, Wolverhampton - No details or proper link, as ever.

Monday the 25th – Boxing (Pat Cowdell) @ The Burlington Hotel, Birmingham - Usual drill: dinner show, I’ve no idea who might be fighting, etc, etc.

Tuesday the 26th – Mayhem @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Don’t approach any of them and ask them if they’re pining for the fjords. Someone I know did this last time they were over here, and they had him ejected from the premises (more things happened but they may be libelous to relate). I’m not joking, this is a true story. Anyway, unholy black metal and so on.

Tuesday the 26th – Eels @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - That recent BBC4 documentary about Mark E Of The Eels’ rediscovery of his grandfather (Hugh Everett III) and his ‘Many Worlds’ interpretation of quantum mechanics was really good. Ben Swizzle writes about it here. On that note, I’m currently reading Quantum – A Guide For The Perplexed by Jim Al-Khalili and would recommend it to all, explaining (as it does) things very well to simpletons like me as well as being beautifully illustrated. I’m off on a bit of a tangent here, but since this gig is already sold out I expect you won’t mind.

Tuesday the 26th – Rolo Tomassi @ The Little Civic, Wolverhampton - Supporting I Was A Cub Scout, who I once saw supporting Rolo Tomassi (funnily enough) but didn’t think were anything particularly special.

Tuesday the 26th to Saturday the 1st of March – ‘Metamorphosis (Vesturport Theatre) @ The Rep, Birmingham - I’m reeeally looking forward to this: a staged version of the Kafka short story with a score by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis. Get Carina Round and some jalapeno peppers involved somehow and this would include pretty much everything I love in the world.

Wednesday the 27th – “Here Be Monsters” (Rejects Revenge) @ The Arena Theatre, Wolverhampton - The world’s first steam-powered spaceship, and apparently lots of silliness. Sounds like fun to me. I can’t help be thinking of Werewolves and Queen Victoria, though, getahmean?

Thursday the 28th – Alicia Keys @ The NIA, Birmingham - She wasn’t all that great when I saw her a few years back (well… she’s not the sort of artist you want to have to grin and bare onstage skits from, is she?), but I would assume that by now she has enough material to fill a set without arseing about pretending to take phonecalls from a prop phonebox. And that’d be quite good.

Thursday the 28th – Boxing (First Team Promotions) @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - Black Country vs Birmingham derby! Matty Hough takes on Max Maxwell for the Midlands area middleweight title, and it will be great. Also featuring some of our other local faves like Lyndsey Scragg, Rob Hunt, Dean Harrison, etc.

Friday the 29th – Editors @ The NIA, Birmingham - And so you’d better not make any spelling mistakes.

Friday the 29th – Fairport Convention @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - It’ll never be said in fair England that I slew a naked man, either.

That’s it, festive season over, back to work with the lot of you. This is a fairly short LOTTSADITWM and for that I apologize, but it’s January. There’s rarely a fat lot happening in January.

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be as they’re described here, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. This is just a list of things I found that looked like they might be interesting, so please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Saturday the 5th – Barbie ™ (London Symphony Orchestra) @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - Erm… yes. Featuring films of the unrealistic-expectation-creator herself while the orchestra play bits of Swan Lake and The Nutcracker and so forth. It’ll no doubt also feature “Sold Separately”, as composed by one W. Smithers.

Friday the 11th - The Destroyers @ Symphony Hall foyer, The ICC, Birmingham - Free as part of that ‘Rush Hour Blues’ lark in the ICC/Symphony Hall foyer, at… is it 5:30pm? This would make a great start to your 2008 gigging campaign.

Saturday the 12th - Carina Round @ Woom, Jewellery Quarter, Birmingham - I’m really excited about this. Carina will be playing a set in the Woom art gallery, and the fifteen sheets ticket price includes a free bar and an exclusive print by the artist Buron. Tickets, unsurprisingly, are rarer than rocking horse mandibles.

Tuesday the 15th – Storytelling Café @ West Brom Library, West Bromwich - “For so long storytelling as (sic) been seen as something for children.” Also at The Kitchen Garden Café in Kings Heath the following night.

Wednesday the 16th – Desecration @ Scruffy Murphy’s, Birmingham - * Emits low pitched growl *

Thursday the 17th – Blurt @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - The latest Curate’s Egg night. No doubt it’ll also feature The Courtesy Group in one form or another.

Saturday the 19th - The Berridge Singers @ St Johns, Wolverhampton - The local chamber singers doing some Durufle and some Dvorak in that most gorgeous of churches (N.B. – 11am. Don’t turn up for this in the evening).

Sunday the 20th – Traditional Song Session @ The Station, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Apparently a monthly thing, this is your chance to “sing and listen to traditional songs in a friendly and informal environment.” I don’t know how broad a spectrum is covered by this particular definition of traditional song.

Sunday the 20th – ‘Revealing The Town Hall’ @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - An architectural talk about the history of The Town Hall, from one Anthony Peers.

Monday the 21st – Dälek @ Taylor Johns’ House, Coventry - Dälek are like conscious hip-hop meeting the end of the world. No, I mean the actual apocalypse. There’s fire everywhere, there’s smoke, there’s a man reading a scroll… ahem, sorry. This gig may or may not also be my test to see if gigging in Coventry can actually be done. I don’t really believe it can.

Thursday the 24th – Meg Baird/Shady Bard/Sharon Von Etten – The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Apparently the selling point is that Meg Baird used to be in a band called Espers. Means absolutely nothing to me. I’m looking forward to seeing Shady Bard again, though.

January the 25th - Boxing (Pugilist Promotions) @ The Holiday Inn, Birmingham - Super-duper last-minute stop-press business (I’ve just this minute seen it on BBN). A dinner show, albeit a little bit cheaper than usual.

Saturday the 26th – Seasick Steve @ The Academy, Birmingham - I like the cut of his jib.

Monday the 28th – Henry Rollins’ “Provoked” spoken word show @ The Wulfrun Hall, Wolverhampton - You know the old joke “My dog’s got no nose/how does it smell/awful”? I’ve always wanted to think of a joke along the lines of “Henry Rollins has no neck/how does he do something or other/smart-arse reply”. If you see what I mean. I just can’t tease it out, though. Still, I like ol’ Hank.

Tuesday the 29th – Baroness/Kylesa @ The Medicine Bar, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - I saw Baroness as part of the 2006 GDFAF. They were so loud I could see sounds and hear colours by the end of their set. This is a good thing.

This one seems to have turned out as another “even more music-dominated than usual” one, which is a shame as I don’t think that’s when it’s at its most useful. Ah well. As a fellow Yam once wisely noted, IT’S CHRIIIISTMAAAS!

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. Please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Wednesday the 28th of November till Sunday the 2nd of December – The BBC Good Food Show @ The NEC, Marston Green, Birmingham - I wonder if they’ll make me one o’ them fancy quail’s egg sammidges.

Saturday the 1st – The Destroyers @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - In aid of Jibbering Records’ seventh birthday.

Monday the 3rd – Eliza Carthy @ The MAC, Edgbaston, Birmingham - Daughter of thingybob and whatserface, but very good in her own right.

Tuesday the 4th – The Human League @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - I’ve just (while trying to write this) found out that The Human League don’t have an official website, and that this is ‘official band policy’. Now why would that be?

Tuesday the 4th until Tuesday the 8th of January – Salvador Dali exhibition @ Halcyon Gallery, the ICC, Birmingham - Oh wow. Just… wow. You can buy some, too, if you have a few grand flying around spare.

Wednesday the 5th – Lucero @ The Bar Academy, Birmingham - Y’ain’t from round here, boy.

Wednesday the 5th – ‘Birmingham Storytelling Circle’ @ Scruffy Murphy’s, Birmingham - “For people who simply want to tell and listen to stories.” I still think that’s a really nice idea.

Thursday the 6th – UK Subs / Discharge @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Proper punk, albeit at The Barfly.

Thursday the 6th – “My Friend MEG, The Mindreader” (Prof. Paul Furlong, Aston Uni) @ Thinktank, Millenium Point, Digbeth, Birmingham - Magnetoencephalography, Google tells me. A talk about the future of Neuroscience at Thinktank (spit). It’s apparently free, so at least this is one bit of education that the bandits now in charge of Birmingham’s Science Museum won’t be tearing out of the hands of the general public. Yes, I’m bitter. And I’m not being flippant, bloody ‘Thinktank’ makes me hugely and extremely angry. I digress…

Friday the 7th till Friday the 21st – Hungarian Christmas Market @ Queen Square & Market Square, Wolverhampton - You might say that this strikes you as a poor cousin of the German Christmas Market in Brum, but that’s only ‘cos you’re too mainstream ‘n’ such. There are 1000 free portions of goulash being given away on opening day, along with some stooging around from some of the typical class of local radio sorts that usually stooge around at this sort of thing. Enticing.

Friday the 7th – Jeff Wayne’s “War Of The Worlds” @ The NEC Arena, Marston Green, Birmingham - Uuuulllaaa. This features, and I quote, “a 3 tonne, 30 foot high Martian Fighting Machine firing Heat Rays at the audience and scanning them with its bug-like eyes”.

Fruday the 7th and Saturday the 8th – “The Persian Revolution” (Anglo-Iranian Theatre Company) @ The Rep Door, Birmingham - The tale of The Iranian Constitutional revolution. Said to be dark and sinister but also surprisingly funny in parts.

Friday the 7th to Monday the 30th – “Santa Claus: The Musical” @ The Alexandra Theatre, Birmingham - A little girl strives to save Christmas from the threat of the evil Ice Queen. I hope she succeeds.

Saturday the 8th – IKF Amateur Kickboxing Championships (K-Star/AKA England) @ The Royal Suite, Perry Bar, Birmingham - I thought it was amateur full contact, but the bottom of the poster says it’s open to all styles and mentions Muay Thai, K1, San-Shou etc. I’ve no idea what the rules are, then. Apparently there’ll be some MMA bouts on the card too.

Sarurday the 8th – Birmingham Blitz Derby Dames vs London Rollergirls (Roller Derby) @ Cocks Moor Woods Leisure Centre, Kings Heath, Birmingham - I’m still not sure I understand what’s going on here. I hope Birmingham beats London, though.

Sunday the 9th to Sunday the 16th – “Holly Ghastly And The Thirteen Days Of Christmas” (Screamin’ Voice Youth Theatre) @ The Arena Theatre, Wolverhampton - Yet another one trying to spoil Christmas. I dunno, eh? What is it with these thespians? Once more, may her plans be foiled.

Sunday the 9th – Canal Boat Light Parade @ all down the canal from NIA to The Mailbox, Birmingham - Pretty lit up boats! Some of them threw out sweeties to the onlookers last year. It got busy, though. Make sure you get a good spot.

Sunday the 9th – “Magical Narnia Christmas” @ Haden Hill House, Cradley Heath - (I can’t find a more specific link than that, sorry, but there’s more nice xmas stuff at the other end of it). Go through the wardrobe into all sorts of Christmas-y larks. I’m told the Narnia books are thinly veiled Christian mythology (I didn’t pick that up when I was little, but then again I was – y’know – little. I have recently bought them for a re-read, actually, but it might be a while before I get round to them. I have a big ‘unread’ pile at the moment), so that may or may not please those who tediously refuse to accept the modern-day duality of the thing. It’s free but I think you have to pay to see Santa, so bear that in mind.

Monday the 10th – Rihanna @ The NEC Arena, Marston Green, Birmingham - Umbrella… ella… ella… a… a… honk… honk… HONK…

Monday the 10th – MIA @ The Rojac Building, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - Another disclaimer: I’ve linked her website, but I accept absolutely no responsibility for any seizures or epileptic fits caused by anyone being saft enough to click on it.

Monday the 10th – Carina Round @ The Bar Academy, Birmingham - Oh, I don’t know, I just don’t know. There was once a time when I wouldn’t have hesitated at all. She’s at The Little Civic in Wolves on the eleventh, too.

Monday the 10th - Rolo Tomassi @ The Little Civic, Wolverhampton - I like the one where they go “Squiddleybob squiddleybob DADADADADADA GRAAAGH diddlediddlediddleydiddle…”

Monday the 10th – The Damned @ The Wulfrun Hall, Wolverhampton - Hoary old punk veterans and their ‘first ever theatrical performance’ of ‘The Texas Chainsaw Travelling Horror Picture Show’. I don’t have the first idea what that might mean, but it sounds good.

Monday the 10th – Boxing (Pat Cowdell) @ The Holiday Inn, Birmingham - Look, it’s not just me who doesn’t like dinner shows.

Tuesday the 11th – The Young Gods @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Pending a lawsuit from The Young Knives for using one of their official band-name words, obviously. What, you think I’m joking?

Tuesday the 11th – Gogol Bordello @ Wulfrun Hall, Wolverhampton - Sold out. Those with genuine gypsy-punk skills may no doubt be able to gain access nonetheless.

Wednesday the 12th – ‘Christmas Ghost Stories” (7 Inch Cinema) @ Highbury Hall, Moseley, Birmingham - At Joseph Chamberlain’s erstwhile country retreat (within Birmingham nowadays, of course), this features obscure scary films such as are 7 Inch Cinema’s forte, music courtesy of Nic Bullen and various DJs, an installation by Scott Johnston, and a bar with a fire.

Thursday the 13th till Sunday the 16th – Jasper Carrott’s “Rock With Laughter” @ The NEC Arena, Marston Green, Birmingham - Featuring Jamelia and all sorts of other singists and comedists. It’s all for chari-dee.

Thursday the 13th – Apocalyptica @ Academy 2, Birmingham - Another one of those bands who seemed like an obscure curio about half a decade ago and then (next thing I know) they’re apparently all well-known and such. They play Metallica covers on cellos. The fact that this is sold out illustrates quite a few things that don’t make sense about This Modern Age.

Thursday the 13th – Frank Sidebottom’s Xmas Show @ The Little Civic, Wolverhampton - He’s uncannily convincing when he dresses up as Santa. Had me fooled, anyway.

Thursday the 13th and Saturday the 15th – Elgar’s Enigma @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - Continuing the Elgar anniversary, alongside Grieg’s Piano Concerto and some of (presumably only some of) The Nutcracker Suite.

Thursday the 13th – The Capsule Christmas Party @ The Medicine Bar, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - With Qui, Moss, Beestung Lips, punch (if it’s mixed by the same person it was a couple of years ago it’ll be potent. Shame I didn’t get any, really…), and (not certain about this, but I’m willing to bet) some cake.

Saturday the 15th – High On Fire @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Beer und heavy metal, ja. Pelican are playing too but don’t let that put you off.

Sunday the 16th – The Pogues @ The Academy, Birmingham - I got far more excited than was seemly when I thought Braggy was supporting them, but fate did its cruel work yet again.

Sunday the 16th – Chrome Hoof @ The Bar Academy, Birmingham - Bassoons, Bacofoil, and what I believe I described as Krautrock-Disco-Metal.

Monday the 17th – The Wildhearts @ Wulfrun Hall, Wolverhampton - I probably should’ve got Throughsilver to do a guest LOTTSADITWM spot for this. Ah well.

Tuesday the 18th – Bad Manners / Splodgenessabounds @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Two pints of lager and a lip up fatty, please.

Tuesday the 18th and Wednesday the 19th, then Friday the 21st and Saturday the 27th – ‘Christmas Music By Candlelight’ (Ex-Cathedra) @ St Paul’s Church, Jewellery Quarter, Birmingham - Lit only by the singers’ candles, which sounds really lovely. You are, however, “invited to bring your own mulled wine and mince pies for the interval”.

Wednesday the 19th until Sunday the 27th of January – Aladdin @ The Hippodrome, Birmingham - Pantomime! Featuring Captain Jack! Or John Barrowman, as some people bizarrely seem to know him.

Thursday the 20th - John Cooper Clark / The Courtesy Group @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - The latest Curate’s Egg night. I have elsewhere expressed my misgivings, as amazing as TCG may be.

Sunday the 23rd – GBH / Drongos For Europe @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Proper punk, albeit at The Barfly (part 2).

Sunday the 23rd – ‘Scrooge’ alldayer @ The Rainbow, Digbeth, Birmingham - Not a version of ‘A Christmas Carol’ but a myoosickle event courtesy of those Robot Professor lads. For a £4 door tax there are seventeen acts (on two stages) according to the flyer, including the thoroughly bosting likes of Mothertrucker, Blakfish, PCM, and Grandscope. You can’t fault that for value.

Tuesday the 25th – Christmas @ Everywhere - Incidentally, a Merry Christmas to all of you at home.

This nearly didn’t exist. We had a dead proper computer for half of the month, and I would have been damned if I was typing all of this on a sodding laptop.

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. Please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Thursday the 1st to Saturday the 3rd – Gigbeth @ various venues in Digbeth, Birmingham - I think I liked it more last year when it was free, but there’s all sorts of stuff a-happening.

Thursday the 1st to Saturday the 3rd – Flip Animation Festival @ The Lighthouse, Wolverhampton - Your chance to behave in an animated fashion. There are a few different things going on, illuminated in PDF form here.

Friday the 2nd – Meatloaf @ the NEC Arena, Marston Green, Birmingham - Part of the same tour that we attended earlier this year.

Saturday the 3rd – “Capsule & Cake” @ The Rainbow, Digbeth, Birmingham - Part of the aforementioned Gigbeth, so you’ll need one of their day/weekend tickets to get in. Amongst others, PCM, Bee Stung Lips, The Plight and Cutting Pink With Knives are playing.

Saturday the 3rd – “Project X Presents” @ The Rainbow Warehouse, Digbeth, Birmingham - Six hours worth of assorted things, including Einstellung, Rich Batsford, Reginald Hunter, Aashiq Al Rasul, and plenty more. Theoretically part of Gigbeth but it’s worth noting that you need a specific ticket for this to get in.

Saturday the 3rd – I.S.K.A. British Opens @ Cocksmoor Woods Leisure Centre, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Semi and light contact kickboxing.

Tuesday the 6th till Saturday the 10th – “Slava’s Snowshow” @ The Hippodrome, Birmingham - Sod your cynicism, this last year was honestly one of the most wonderful things I have ever seen on stage. Really, really magical.

Thursday the 8th – Gallon Drunk / The Courtesy Group @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Part of the apparently undersubscribed ‘Curates Egg’ night. I can hardly complain, ‘cos I haven’t attended anywhere near enough of them myself, but you know how it works when we all ignore the interesting things and then wish we hadn’t… (Edit: I has a flyers).

Thursday the 8th till Saturday the 10th – “Reddington’s Rare Records – Music And Memories” @ The Alexandra, Birmingham - A production about the missed-by-many Reddingtons 2nd hand record shop, featuring music from King Pleasure And The Biscuit Boys and sundry other unnamed “special guests.” Sounds like it’ll be different, if nothing else.

Friday the 9th – Acid Mothers Temple @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - The march of the progress of Engrish advances. When unclear conversion is compared when there is Japanese psychedelia, the heart which is expanded simultaneously is small with method of affirmative quality, which it offers simultaneously. If there is no brain, it cannot understand that.

Saturday the 10th – Alice Cooper / Motorhead / Joan Jett @ The NEC Arena, Marston Green, Birmingham - On the one hand, this will rock like little else. On the other, the chances are slim-to-nil of the whole gig going by without someone’s hips going or their arthritis starting to play up.

Sunday the 11th – ‘Muay Thai Superfights’ (Showsport) @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - The annual big Showsport card. I don’t follow Thai (I probably would if it was easier to do so) but even I gather that Michael Dicks vs Tim Thomas is a really big fight at the domestic level. This one also features the well-known likes of Richard Cadden, Reece Crooke, Liam Robinson and various more.

Tuesday the 13th – Heaven And Hell @ The NEC Arena, Marston Green, Birmingham - Heaven And Hell are basically the “Mob Rules” era line-up of Black Sabbath, which is pretty good on “excluding the two original members least likely to make it all the way through the gig” grounds. Will this fill the NEC, though? I wonder about that. Intense wondering takes place.

Tuesday the 13th – Bedouin Soundclash @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - That’s right, them from off of the adverts and such.

Wednesday the 14th – “Meeting Joe Strummer” (Middle Ground Theatre Company) @ The Arena Theatre, Wolverhampton - Exploring the man’s life and times without simply being a biopic, apparently. I will be there if I don’t get Lost In The Supermarket on the way. Lord, that was a poor joke.

Wednesday the 14th – Amy Winehouse @ The NIA, Birmingham - I was going to continue my on-running LOTTSADITWM ‘Amy lookalikes’ joke here, but it seems a bit cruel now. Maybe when she’s better. It was either going to be Pete Burns or a shrub of some kind, if that helps.

Thursday the 15th – The Four Tops / The Temptations @ The NIA, Birmingham - So, between Alice Cooper, Motorhead, Joan Jett, Dio & Black Sabbath, The Four Tops, and The Temptations – is it “Good music but their hips packed up decades ago” month or something?

Thursday the 15th – The Lord mayor’s Mega Quiz @ The Great Hall, Birmingham University, Edgbaston, Birmingham - Hosted by Nick Owen of ‘Midlands Today’ world-fame.

Friday the 16th – Will Haven @ The Little Civic, Wolverhampton - Reunited. I saw ‘em first time around, ‘cos I’m good like that.

Saturday the 17th – AMMA @ The Holte Suite, Villa Park, Aston, Birmingham - Amateur MMA, with standing headshots. The last two AMMA events really have been fantastic. The card as it stands can be inspected here.

Saturday the 17th – The Supreme Cat Show @ The NEC, Marston Green, Birmingham - Aaaaw. Courtesy of ‘The Governing Body Of The Cat Fancy’, which is surely the greatest name for an organisation that I have ever heard in my life.

Saturday the 17th till Sunday the 25th – “Grand Slam Of Darts” @ the Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - I not a darts fan as such but I do approve of it. It’s a worthwhile pursuit, I feel. I’m told that some of ‘em have finally caught up with Phil “The Power” Taylor, so maybe it’ll even be competitive.

Sunday the 18th – Mono/Jesu/Mothertrucker @ The Medicine Bar, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - Mono’s “Heavy like Beethoven” slogan has to be one of the poorer attempts at saying “We don’t see ourselves as an everyday rock band” that I’ve heard of late. Still, this should be very good.

Sunday the 18th – Boxing (Pugilist Promotions) @ The Rojac Building, The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - Apparently, there’s gonna be boxing somewhere in The Custard Factory. I don’t know precisely where but I’d guess at The Rojac Building (that’s the only place with sufficient floorspace that leaps to mind) (Edit: confirmed in the comments below). Whichever way up, this features D. Mitchell and Thomas Costello, amongst others.

Monday the 19th – Ladysmith Black Mambazo @ The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton - Baked beans, get your baked beans…

Monday the 19th to Wednesday the 21st – Frank Skinner @ The NIA, Birmingham - (Insert usual story about him going to the same school as me, only earlier, and teaching at a college I went to, only earlier).

Tuesday the 20th – Mahler’s First (CBSO) @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - Mahler once again proves that being a bit neurotic is not necessarily a bar to being completely ace.

Tuesday the 20th – Jill Scott @ The Academy, Birmingham - I really like Jill Scott and she was great last time I saw her, but £28.50 (!) for a gig at The Academy is taking the piss more than just a little bit.

Thursday the 22nd – Efterklang @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Pretty and minimal sort of stuff. I think ‘twinkly’ is the word I’m looking for.

Saturday the 24th – Muay Thai (K-Star) @ The Royal Suite, Perry Bar, Birmingham - Featuring Damien Trainor vs Rungchai. As above, I don’t know my Muay Thai in all that much detail, but I gather this is a big fight and having seen their first match I’m sure Damien will be boiling over with the urge to set a few things straight. There might be a few MMA matches on this card too (I’m not sure about that).

Sunday the 25th – Pam Ayres @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - You know what I wish? I wish I’d looked after me teef. That’s what I wish.

Tuesday the 27th – “Bach To Beethoven” (CBSO) @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - I can’t help but be reminded of Douglas Adams’ quote – “When I hear Beethoven I understand what it was like to be Beethoven, when I hear Mozart I understand what it’s like to be human, but when I hear J.S. Bach I understand the universe.”

Tuesday the 27th – “The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas” (Bilston Operatic Company) @ The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton - You simply can’t argue with that as a title.

Wednesday the 28th till Sunday the 2nd of December – The BBC Good Food Show @ The NEC, Marston Green, Birmingham - Mmmmmmm… foods.

Thursday the 29th – Beverley Knight @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - Our Bev comes home again.

Thursday the 29th – Ronnie O’ Sullivan vs John Higgins @ The NIA, Birmingham - As with the darts above, I’m not a snooker fan but it’s definitely a sport of which I approve.

Friday the 30th – Speakers Corner @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Organised by Don Letts, this has seven artists (with Skinnyman being about the most famous amongst them) backed by a house band, discoursing on the subject of what it means to be free in modern-day Britain and the legacy of slavery.

Going Deaf For A Fortnight 2007 looms alarmingly large. Take up thy cross and follow.

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. Please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Monday the 1st to Saturday the 6th – Dad’s Army: The Lost Episodes @ The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton - A staged version of episodes that have been deleted from the archives, which is a nifty idea. Don’t Panic Mr Mainwaring and suchforth.

Wednesday the 3rd to Sunday the 7th – Horse Of The Year Show @ The NEC, Marston Green, Birmingham - Abbreviated to HOYS, which is a bit like an Ulsterman saying ‘hoss.’ I therefore predict that a Northern Irish ‘oss will win whatever the biggest prize is.

Wednesday the 3rd – “Thomas Telford: His Life And Works” @ The Thinktank Theatre in Millennium Point, Digbeth, Birmingham - “A talk by Roger Cragg for the Newcomen Society in association with the Institution of Civil Engineers and the Institution of Highways and Transportation.” The Colossus Of Roads himself. I do think that nickname has to be one of the best puns in the history of mankind.

Thursday the 4th – ‘Hallelujah!’ @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Ruby Turner, The BBC Big Band and various others will be performing Duke Ellington’s arrangement of Handel’s Messiah and Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker to mark the re-opening of Birmingham Town Hall. Reprised on Saturday the 20th.

Friday the 5th to Sunday the 14th of October – Birmingham Comedy Festival @ Various venues throughout the city - Featuring some comedy. If the name is to be believed.

Saturday the 6th – ‘Wallop Mrs Cox’ @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - “The Birmingham Musical”~!

Sunday the 7th – ‘Carnival Afternoon’ @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Featuring Andy Hamilton’s “potted history of the journey of reggae” and the MIGHTY MIGHTY MIGHTY The Destroyers.

Sunday the 7th – Heavy Trash / Copter / Swampmeat @ The Hare & Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - Lots and lots of rock and/or roll, all in the same place at once.

Monday the 8th to Wednesday the 10th – Lenny Henry @ The Town Hall, Dudley - A homecoming. Up the yam-yams.

Monday the 8th – Thomas Dolby @ The Academy 2, Birmingham - Prepare to be Blinded With Science. The best bits are the bits where someone you imagine would have Einsteinesque mad-professor hair shouts “Science!” in the background.

Monday the 8th – Boxing (Pat Cowdell) @ The Burlington Hotel, Birmingham - I saw John Ruddock when he fought Matty Hough. He couldn’t seem to remember if it was boxing or Judo. (Edit: I mean the first time, natch).

Tuesday the 9th – Underworld @ The Academy, Birmingham - Lager, lager, lager.

Wednesday the 10th – Seth Lakeman @ The Wulfrun Hall, Wolverhampton - Precisely when did ‘Seth’ become a fashionable name for anyone under the age of 78, anyway? Craziness. At least this one is a folk artist, so I suppose it makes a distant bit of sense.

Wednesday the 10th – “Hysteria” (Inspector Sands And Stamping Ground Theatre) @ The Arena Theatre, Wolverhampton - Highly-regarded three-hander using a dinner date to look at how close humour and hysteria can be. Also at The MAC in Edgbaston on the 12th.

Thursday the 11th to Sunday the 21st – Birmingham Book Festival @ Various places across the city - Allsorts o’ literary gubbins a-happening.

Thursday the 11th – The Guillemots with the CBSO @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - I’m told that previous Guillemots gigs have included onstage light-sabre battles, which fills me with hope for the possibility of a light-sabre vs conducter’s baton skirmish. Sold out/returns only, though.

Thursday the 11th – Just Jack @ The Academy, Birmingham - All at once, the thing that had been nagging at the back of my mind struck me. All of his songs sound like French And Saunders parodies of his songs. I still think he isn’t bad, though.

Friday the 12th – ‘Best Of British Urban’ @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Including the very fabby likes of Terri Walker and Ty, amongst others.

Friday the 12th – Happy Mondays @ The Academy, Birmingham - I saw them a couple of years ago and no-one even fell off the stage or anything.

Saturday the 13th – Editors @ The Academy, Birmingham - Of course it’s bloody sold out, don’t ask stupid questions.

Saturday the 13th – Angrrr Management’s “Unlucky For Some” (MMA) @ The Glades Leisure Centre, Kidderminster - There’s plenty of time yet for 381 pull-outs, but at the time of writing this is a big card. Marc Goddard vs Ivan Serrati, Ross Mason vs Henrique Santana, and Andy Costello vs Tony Bentley, amongst other fights. Plenty of pummelling and twisting for all.

Sunday the 14th – The Coral @ The Academy, Birmingham - Alright la, we’re gunna do a gig an that. While we’re playin, likhe, our Terry’ll keep the eye an our Barry’ll nip round the backh and have their hubcaps away an that. Likhe.

Sunday the 14th – Lethal Bizzle @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - POW POW. Bring some beef you lose some teef. Part of the NME “Rock ‘n’ Roll Riot” tour, but I don’t know any of the other bands. Also at The Academy in Brum on the 21st.

Sunday the 14th – Ex Cathedra’s “Spirit Of The Age” @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Ex Cathedra performing works by living composers, including one by Fyfe Dangerfield of The Guillemots.

Monday the 15th – Pram / Modified Toy Orchestra @ The Town Hall, Birmingham - Great stuff, a bill with two of the best electronic-y acts not just locally but from anywhere.

Monday the 15th – SWV @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - Insert customary “Blimey, they’re still alive, whodathunkit?” here.

Tuesday the 16th – The Proclaimers @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - I would walk five hundred miles to send a letter to America. I would. It’d get there quicker if I was closer, y’see.

Wednesday the 17th – Unsane @ The Medicine Bar in The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - I’ve wanted to see Unsane for years. This one also features Bee Stung Lips, who (justifiably) seem to be everyone’s favourites of late.

Thursday the 18th – Billy Ocean @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - I question the sanity of anyone who doesn’t want to go to this.

Friday the 19th – Capdown @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - I’ve just found out this is part of their last tour before splitting up. Not an emo band.

Friday the 19th till Saturday the 27th – The International Mask Festival @ The Glasshouse Arts Centre and The Town Hall, Stourbridge - I hope there aren’t any of those scary magic ones that start to control you when you put them on. Organisers, please don’t let there be any of those scary magic ones that start to control you when you put them on.

Sunday the 21st – Kling Klang / Calvados Beam Trio / Mike In Mono @ The hare And Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham - The fact that Calvados Beam Trio have gone and got themselves a MySpace page really is a shame. For so long they were the last line of defence.

Sunday the 21st – Los Campesinos! @ The Medicine Bar in The Custard Factory, Digbeth, Birmingham - Every blogger’s favourite band, plus their attendant exclamation mark.

Sunday the 21st – Mahler’s 2nd (‘Resurrection’) Symphony @ Symphony Hall, Birmingham - One of the most widely feted orchestras in the world playing one of my absolute favourite symphonies. You couldn’t possible lose.

Tuesday the 23rd – Warning @ The Bristol Pear, Selly Oak, Birmingham - Doooooooooooom. If you’re especially interested in your proper metal type of thing, those Reanimator sorts in charge of this also have a death metal night at the same venue on the 13th.

Wednesday the 24th – “The Convent” (Jo Strømgren Kompani) @ The MAC, Edgbaston, Birmingham - Described by The Guardian as a mix between Big Brother and The Sound Of Music, this uses dance and acapella song to represent the doubts and fears of three nuns in a remote convent. Oh, those Norwegians.

Thursday the 25th – The Twang @ The Academy, Birmingham - See comment for the Editors gig.

Thursday the 25th – Boxing (PJ Promotions) @ The Civic Hall, Wolverhampton - Including, amongst other fights, Darren McDermott vs TBA for the ‘International Masters’ title (no, me neither). Pray for Elcock to win this Friday, so we can have the big local derby when Macca eventually gets his British title shot.

Friday the 26th – Julie McNamara’s “Pig Tales” @ The Arena Theatre, Wolverhampton - The story of a female child raised as male, told via the children’s rhyme “This Little Piggy Went To Market.” Sounds interesting.

Saturday the 27th – Boredoms @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - The large pleasure where other than the music experiencing of usual Japan it is by. If you do not know, you cannot understand under any condition. All times proceed by improve my Engrish to greater amount.

Saturday the 27th – “Birmingham Blitz Derby Dames” Rollerderby @ Cocksmoor Woods Leisure centre, Kings Heath, Birmingham - I’m still not fully sure I understand what’s going on here.

Tuesday the 30th – “Minor Spectacular” (Plested And Brown) @ The Arena Theatre, Wolverhampton - Man who fixes washing machines as superhero. I like that.

Tuesday the 30th – Taint @ Scruffy Murphy’s, Birmingham - Taint are a band I managed to completely fail to see for about six or seven years. Then, earlier this year, I saw them. A happy story.

It’s back, it appears. To be entirely honest with you, it was meant to be back sooner. I didn’t feel like doing it for May but for both June and July I intended to write one of these here listings posts, and was only stopped by the small matter of ‘me being completely useless’. I couldn’t find enough stuff to make it worth restarting in August, but now - for this most transitional of months – we recommence.

Oh yeah - some of you may be wandering what on earth this is. Checka da archives-a. Before the beginning of a month I used to write some guff ‘n’ gittish comments about things due to happen in the West Midlands (based more on Birmingham and The Black Country than Coventry, though not necessarily deliberately) that had struck me as interesting/fun/worth attending.

Standard disclaimers: I can’t ensure that these events will go ahead, that they’ll be good, or that I will be going to them. Please do not contact me to ask for your event to be included. That’s not the way it works.

Saturday the 1st and Sunday the 2nd - The Moseley Folk Festival @ Moseley Park, Moseley, Birmingham - I really, really enjoyed the day of this that I went to last year. Beer-related cock-ups aside (not that I wish to downplay those. Beer Is Very Important), it was really nicely run and had a lovely atmosphere. The line-up doesn’t entice me as much this time but I’m going to go to both days. Watch out for Tunng (TheirSpace), ‘cos they’re great.

Saturday the 1st – High On Fire @ The Barfly, Digbeth, Birmingham - Clashing with Moseley Folk, but there are of course those amongst the massive who refer to folk music by various sexuality-based epithets. They may be an excercise in Banging The Head That Does Already Bang, but I like High On Fire and their Motorhead-With-Occasional-Doom-Bits larks. It’s Capsule.

Sunday the 2nd – Heart Of England Judo Championships @ The NIA, Birmingham - I believe the phrase I am looking for is THROW BY CLOTHES

Tuesday the 4th – The Police @ The NIA, Birmingham - To quote Atom And His Package, “Sting Cannot Possibly be The Same Guy Who Was In The Police.”

Tuesday the 4th – Chris Cornell @ The Academy, Birmingham - Chris Cornell, however, quite possibly could be the same guy who was in Soundgarden.

Wednesday the 5th – Regina Spektor @ The Academy, Birmingham - Just make sure you pronounce it right. It’s ‘Regeena’ apparently. I know, me too.

Wednesday the 5th – Birmingham Storytelling Circle @ Scruffy Murphy’s, Birmingham - A free meeting “for people who simply want to tell and listen to stories.” That’s a lovely idea.

Thursday the 6th – Steel Pulse @ The Academy, Birmingham - I once did a college course with the son of the keyboard player from Steel Pulse. There’s your fact of the day. Handsworth Revolution!

Sunday the 9th �